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How to keep the flame alive when you're undead.

June 29, 2020 - 15:58 -- Admin

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It happens to all relationships eventually. Living death. Not the metaphorical death of mad passion and swooping love that succumbs to the tedium and banality of routines, commitments, bills and ennui. No. Actual living death. One day you’re both going to get bitten by zombies and your relationship will be completely remade. But just because you’re undead, it doesn’t have to mean the fire dies out too.

Here are some easy but totally-worth-it ways to jump-start both of your hearts, even though that’s a literal impossibility now.

Transform Dinner into Dining.

That midweek meal you have to devour together simply because the yawning pit inside you demands living flesh? Send the mush-o-meter into the red zone with a few tiny tweaks to the atmosphere. It's the mood, not the food, that makes a romantic scene. Lower the lights and turn up Enrique Iglesias or Bessie Smith before you lurch unexpectedly out of the shadows to chomp down on the sweet living meat of your next victim. Their doomed screams are nice, but a swoon CD can transform a boring humpday meal into a prelude to passion.

Get Swept Off Your Feet.

You might not move as smoothly as you once did before your muscular-skeletal system began to decay and rot away, but you could still make up your own slow dancing moves. Platter up some Barry White and rub the protruding hip bones of your pelvises together as you twist and twirl around the living room, or the abandoned mini mart, or the dark, half-flooded underground carpark in the dead city where you are fated to see out the fall of civilisation.

Dress for sexy success.

Just because you and your true love are having a night in, think twice before you spend it swaying and moaning in the same old couch clothes. You know, oversize blood-stained T-shirt. The old track pants with the ass literally chewed out of them. You’ve lost a lot of water weight now that you’re a desiccated undead husk. Try on the fitted T-shirt or semisheer tank top that you never dared take out of the bottom drawer while you were alive. It’s guaranteed to send your lover’s heart (and pulse) soaring, if they still had one.

Keep Them in the Dark.

For the ultimate lights-out love nudge, fake a power outage. Or don’t, because with the inevitable collapse of most urban infrastructure about a week after the zombie uprising reaches a tipping point, you’ll have plenty of time to snuggle in the gloom.

No Pecking.

Make every single kiss a lingering moment of bliss by replacing that chaste, hurried lip graze with hours of snarling, groaning, broken-toothed face chomping on each other.

Say no to work talk.

No more office gripes and groans! These should be a taboo topic when you’re with your paramour. Talk about friends you’ve eaten or romantic places you’d like to visit to eat more people — anything that lets you share feelings instead of bombarding each other with tales of work woes. They’re especially pointless now that ninety-nine percent of businesses have ceased to exist, save for a few scattered military outfits and maybe an isolated CDC lab.

Compliment Each Other in Public

Don’t be the kind of zombies who just shamble through the day taking each other for granted. Tell the other zombies what a great catch you got, particularly if one of you did actually catch the other and turn them. “Yeah, I didn’t think we’d ever be together, but Brad would not give up. He pursued me through the rubble of the burned out warehouse where I’d been hiding. He would not take ‘No! NO! Get away from me you fiend!’ as an answer. His devotion to catching me while initially terrifying, was inspirational.”

Try Something New Together.

Participating in a new activity together can keep your relationship exciting. Take a Chinese cooking class by surprise and devour all of the attendees. Go to a golf course and shamble after the fleeing buggies together. Check out a rock concert! The amplified music will drown out the screams of your victims.

Discuss Your Hopes and Dreams.

It’s likely that when you were alive and dating, you talked about your hopes and dreams. However, over time, once you’re a walking cadaver, those sorts of conversations can fall by the wayside. Set aside some time to discuss your dreams for the future, perhaps how you could break into the fortified shopping mall and how you might support one another in making that dream a reality. (Pro tip, somebody always leaves a door open somewhere, usually around the loading dock).

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