The algorithm knows all, or at least it knows my love of sandwiches, which is why this Popular Science piece about a radical new way of cutting sangers dropped into my timeline.
It’s called the Y-Cut and it’s been running wild on TikTok.
It is, of course, bullshit, which is why it’s running wild on Tik Tok.
I mean, look at this fucking thing, would you? It’s an abomination. How many hours would you waste over the course of a year faffing around trying to get this cut right? How many sandwiches would die unnecessarily because you fucked it up?
The two bottom segments don’t even look right. There’s some weird Cthulhu geometry going on there that the simple human mind cannot abide.
You either cut your sandwich into triangles or you eat it whole. End of story. If you’re a big fucking baby, I suppose you could slice horizontally or vertically. But when I became a man, I put away childish things.
Popsci interviewed a number of sandwich scientists who came to entirely wrong conclusions about this rubbish, but they also helpfully included this hand-drawn diagram of the perfect order in which to eat a ‘10 Bite Sandwich’, by US football coach Mark Richt.
“While explaining this sequence, Richt called bite three the “filet” of the sandwich—that is, the best bite.”
He is indeed correct. In a properly made sandwich, that third bite will contain the lion’s share of whatever filling you have piled on between the slices. Some argue that “the appeal of the Y cut, from this perspective, is obvious: You get three of these best bites.”
But you don’t because the uppermost triangle is too shallow to host the required filling in the appropriate amount, and as mentioned before, the two remaining weirdo slices are profane and as likely to induce madness as satisfaction.
I will not be taking any questions on this matter.